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Archive for December, 2007

Scaredy-pants…

The stuff that’s been on my mind lately is intensely personal stuff that I really haven’t shared with anyone. But hell, I have to write something on this blog when it’s winter and there’s nothing going on related to homesteading, ‘cept asking for books for Christmas and dreaming about houses and land that we can’t even look at for a couple of months! So why not lay my soul bare for all the internet to see (though precious few will look)…

I posted a while ago about my deep, hormonal drive for babies, babies, babies. Well, EZ and I did a lot of talking and he said he would be ready around the New Year. In November, I went off my birth control to have a hormone-free month before we started trying. All of a sudden, about that time, the Baby Monster left me. It was just gone. All I was left with was my usual hyper-logical yet quite imaginative, over-thinking self. And really, I’m no fun.

I started worrying. ‘Will I be a good mother? I have a short fuse sometimes… maybe I’ll be an abusive monster. Oh shit, I will be, won’t I? What sort of hours will I have to do at work? Will I have to hand my baby off to a stranger 50 hours a week to make ends meet? I really have to do some math, here! EZ and I have such a nice life. Will a kid just totally ruin it? Will we never see the out-of-doors again? Oh crap. We won’t, will we? We’ll just end up sad and doughy and hating eachother.’ Aaaand so on and so forth.

Through all that negativity, I had none of the biological drive pushing me. I looked at babies and thought, “Sure, cute, but whatev-uh.” Deep down, I knew I would be a good mother, not at all abusive and we’d be ok and find a compromise with my work schedule that might suck, but it would work. I knew that we’d find a way to integrate a baby into our love for the outdoors. When I was honest with myself, I just had to admit that I was scared. Really, deeply scared.

EZ still thought I was dying for a baby, yet suddenly, it was the last thing I wanted. I tried to turn the tables on him. I would ask him, “Are you sure you want a baby so soon?” I was genuinely surprised that he was actually ready when he said he would be (is that not incredible?!), but I also was hoping he’d say no, let’s wait. I was looking for an excuse without having to admit the 180 degree change in my emotions. EZ is a steady man, though, I’m not sure how he does it, but he said he’d be ready and he was.

Finally, I had to say it out loud. I had to admit to EZ that I was scared and wasn’t sure all of a sudden… that everything that had driven me before had just evaporated. I tearfully told him about how that urge deep in my soul was suddenly completely absent and all I was left with was doubts and fears. He just hugged me and said “I’ll be ready when you are. There’s no rush, but I’m excited to get pregnant whenever you’re ready.” [Amazing, isn’t he?] I felt so relieved. We agreed to use the fertility awareness/basal body temperature to avoid getting pregnant until I was ready.

Oddly enough, once I knew where EZ stood and that he was allowing me such latitude and not pressuring me either way, I relaxed. The worries that had plagued me let go. The hormonal, urgent Baby Monster didn’t return, either. It was just regular, old me thinking, hey, no big rush, let’s just wait till we’re ready.

And then, about a week later, I was. No more doubting myself or fearing that a baby would ruin my life, just genuine excitement about what it would bring to our life. I was not scared. I was not hormonally desperate. I was just ready. Of course, the normal logistical and rational concerns remain, but we are in a good position to handle things and as they say, there is never a perfect time. And so very, very soon, it’ll be time to try, with the hopes of expanding our family to three (or five, depending on whether you count dogs).

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