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Archive for the ‘Baby Monster’ Category

Scaredy-pants…

The stuff that’s been on my mind lately is intensely personal stuff that I really haven’t shared with anyone. But hell, I have to write something on this blog when it’s winter and there’s nothing going on related to homesteading, ‘cept asking for books for Christmas and dreaming about houses and land that we can’t even look at for a couple of months! So why not lay my soul bare for all the internet to see (though precious few will look)…

I posted a while ago about my deep, hormonal drive for babies, babies, babies. Well, EZ and I did a lot of talking and he said he would be ready around the New Year. In November, I went off my birth control to have a hormone-free month before we started trying. All of a sudden, about that time, the Baby Monster left me. It was just gone. All I was left with was my usual hyper-logical yet quite imaginative, over-thinking self. And really, I’m no fun.

I started worrying. ‘Will I be a good mother? I have a short fuse sometimes… maybe I’ll be an abusive monster. Oh shit, I will be, won’t I? What sort of hours will I have to do at work? Will I have to hand my baby off to a stranger 50 hours a week to make ends meet? I really have to do some math, here! EZ and I have such a nice life. Will a kid just totally ruin it? Will we never see the out-of-doors again? Oh crap. We won’t, will we? We’ll just end up sad and doughy and hating eachother.’ Aaaand so on and so forth.

Through all that negativity, I had none of the biological drive pushing me. I looked at babies and thought, “Sure, cute, but whatev-uh.” Deep down, I knew I would be a good mother, not at all abusive and we’d be ok and find a compromise with my work schedule that might suck, but it would work. I knew that we’d find a way to integrate a baby into our love for the outdoors. When I was honest with myself, I just had to admit that I was scared. Really, deeply scared.

EZ still thought I was dying for a baby, yet suddenly, it was the last thing I wanted. I tried to turn the tables on him. I would ask him, “Are you sure you want a baby so soon?” I was genuinely surprised that he was actually ready when he said he would be (is that not incredible?!), but I also was hoping he’d say no, let’s wait. I was looking for an excuse without having to admit the 180 degree change in my emotions. EZ is a steady man, though, I’m not sure how he does it, but he said he’d be ready and he was.

Finally, I had to say it out loud. I had to admit to EZ that I was scared and wasn’t sure all of a sudden… that everything that had driven me before had just evaporated. I tearfully told him about how that urge deep in my soul was suddenly completely absent and all I was left with was doubts and fears. He just hugged me and said “I’ll be ready when you are. There’s no rush, but I’m excited to get pregnant whenever you’re ready.” [Amazing, isn’t he?] I felt so relieved. We agreed to use the fertility awareness/basal body temperature to avoid getting pregnant until I was ready.

Oddly enough, once I knew where EZ stood and that he was allowing me such latitude and not pressuring me either way, I relaxed. The worries that had plagued me let go. The hormonal, urgent Baby Monster didn’t return, either. It was just regular, old me thinking, hey, no big rush, let’s just wait till we’re ready.

And then, about a week later, I was. No more doubting myself or fearing that a baby would ruin my life, just genuine excitement about what it would bring to our life. I was not scared. I was not hormonally desperate. I was just ready. Of course, the normal logistical and rational concerns remain, but we are in a good position to handle things and as they say, there is never a perfect time. And so very, very soon, it’ll be time to try, with the hopes of expanding our family to three (or five, depending on whether you count dogs).

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Blessings…

I had a rough night a couple of nights ago. Without getting into details, I just had a storm of baby-lust (which has begun to border on baby-hysterics), job dissatisfaction, financial and grr-mad-at-husband issues bear down on me and I just lost it, for essentially the entire evening. Luckily, EZ was out of town and I had the house to myself, so I could just lose my shit freely. My dogs never say, “Now Kim, be rational. You’re over-reacting.” Good thing for them, too, because I hear they can remove dog’s vocal chords.

Anyhow, I’m feeling much more positive now. I was poking around the interweb today and blessed1 had a post about 7 blessings. She’s a more religious woman than myself, a lapsed/recovering Catholic, but nonetheless, we all receive blessings no matter what we recognize as their origin. So, after such a fit of negativity, I think it’s quite important to focus on one’s blessings to redirect a bit.

1) My husband, who can be incredibly thoughtful and responsive to my needs if I just let him know what they are. The next day when EZ was back in town I emailed him from work that I just kind of felt like curling up in ball and staying there all night. So when I got home, he was there with a 6-pack of good beer and the Blades of Glory movie and proclaimed it my “Curling-up-in-a-ball Kit” with a big smile. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel like assuming the fetal position quite so much.

2) Perspective from friends. They didn’t even have to say anything. I just let my mind wander to various friends. One friend who has infertility issues. I can’t think of anyone who deserves a baby more than her and her partner, but it’s tougher than it should be for them and they don’t have a zillion dollars to blow on fertility treatments and/or adoption. In comparison, I have little to complain about because I need to put off getting pregnant and might not have my ideal circumstances once I do (disclaimer: I have no clue about the state of my fertility.) In thinking about another friend, who is Buddhist, the philosophy “desire causes pain” popped into my head. How true. I was so upset because I didn’t certain things in my life that I want so badly. The problem wasn’t that I don’t have those things/conditions in my life. The problem is that I want them so badly.

3) Mountain Grouse season opens tomorrow! We’re taking our German Shorthair, Stanley, out for his first hunting session since he got his training.

4) I’ll finally see some friends again this weekend! We haven’t seen each other in forever, it seems, but 2 separate sets of friends are having parties this weekend, so we’ll all get a chance to catch up.

5) A good family. My parents visited us from Colorado after the river trip. It was so good to see them and spend time with them.

6) An empty house (relatively speaking). My parents left on Wednesday! No more entertaining! Less talking! More free time!

7) The fact that though I do sometimes let myself sink into self-pity and sorrow, I never stay there too long. I seek perspective and look for the silver lining. It was not my instinctive approach. I have trained myself to do this over time (I used to have problems with depression when I was younger), but I’m blessed to have the personal strength to do so.

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The Baby Monster

This has come and gone before. This intense longing… somewhere below rational thought comes that scream, “Baaaay-beeees!!! Bebes, bebes, bebes!” The first round was before I had even met EZ. I was still in college when I developed an interest in infants, toddlers and older children for the first time in my life. I’d honestly never given them much thought before. I’ve always been more of a dog person, what can I say? At the time, I just mostly noted that, ‘dang, they’re pretty cute. And funny, as well. One day, I might have one. Or I might just hang out with other people’s children.’

The next major episode of the Baby Monster occurred after EZ and I moved to Montana and got married. It was as though my hormones somehow realized that my life was stable and so they sprung into action. Goading me at every possible moment to reproduce. So I, in turn, goaded EZ, ‘When we gonna have babies?” Mostly in jest, but not-so-secretly wishing he’d say, “How about now?” I had gotten into the habit of giving him the occasional baby-needling by the time the Baby Monster had once again gone into hibernation. EZ always deflected these advances in his usual, easy way. “Someday…” he’d say wistfully and change the subject as fast as humanly possible.

I was giving him one such baby-needling at a baseball game a couple weeks ago (yep, our town has a rookie level minor league team. I don’t care for baseball much, but it was 2 dollar microbrew night! Of course, I went!), when Eric blindsided me. “When would you want to be pregnant?”

“Wha..? What? Whaddya mean, ‘when’?” I stammered, scarcely believing that he’d actually taken the bait.

“I dunno. What part of the year, I guess?” Well, I thought, that’s kinda dumb. Like we could pick a month to get pregnant and tada! We would be. “What do you want to skip? Hunting season? Ski season? Rafting season?” I love this man. Despite the apparent naivety, he’s worried about what season I’d miss! I have truly picked a perfect match for me.

Anyhow, we discussed things for awhile, when suddenly I was taken aback by the fact that this might be actually happening, I stalled. “Well, to tell you the truth, I want to wait until we have our property together. I don’t want to derail the homestead, so we should wait until the spring, at least.” I was impressed by my own prudence and careful planning. I was a woman who knew what she wanted and was willing to sacrifice and compromise to get it.

Until I wasn’t.

I woke up the next morning with a raging Baby Monster, louder than it had ever been. ‘How could you have been so stupid? Why in the hell would you say that you want to wait? You don’t want to wait! You want to be pregnant as of yesterday! Or the day before! Not next February!’

I came up with a million and one reasons why we should start trying right now. Unfortunately, when I presented my case to EZ, his 2 or 3 reasons were much better. Even raging hormones can’t compete with logic. Not when you’re married to EZ, anyway. We agreed, we’d start to give it a shot during the winter. That way, even if finding the right property took quite a while, we could still be relatively settled before any tiny humans invaded our lives.

Logic, compromise, reasoning, communication of our feelings and thoughts. These things make a marriage stay strong and help partners come to workable solutions to their disagreements.

Of course, the Baby Monster says Winter starts November 1 and 12:00 am. Set your watches!

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